Irreconcilable Differences
There was a man born a geezer who grew younger as years passed. At first crippled and crooked, he woke one morning and ran the marathon, his legs strong and rippling with veins, his back as straight as a redwood. The tufts of gray hair in his ears fell out in the shower one day, and a bush of dark curls grew in on his head. His dentures were pushed out by healthy new molars and bicuspids, a set of chompers so strong he could chew through raw steak.
His erect penis pointed at five o-clock, then three o-clock, then one o-clock. His buttocks firmed up and his wrinkles stretched smooth. The virile young man married a lovely young woman he remembered seeing many years before when she was just a small child, hiding her eyes behind thick blonde bangs, visiting her dying grandmother in the nursing home where he was born.
He impregnated her with two daughters, and as they grew older he grew younger. His strong set of chompers gave way to baby teeth, each one no larger than a kernel of sweet corn. He threw tantrums when his wife wouldn’t let him put the old ones under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy. His wife climbed into bed beside him and muttered, Jesus, I married a baby, and the man would fall asleep sucking his thumb.
His daughters came home from college for Christmas, and from his high chair the man flung spoonfuls of sweet potato at their hair. Maybe you should try couples counseling, one daughter suggested. He won’t even talk to me, the tired wife sighed, wiping her husband’s orange chin as he grunted out a poop into his diaper.
The man and his wife were sleeping in separate beds—she in the king-size, he in the crib. He kept her up all hours, screaming for milk her sagging, shriveled breasts could not produce. As she rocked him back to sleep one night and looked upon his chubby face, she finally made a tough decision.
The next day she strapped him tight in his car seat, popped a pacifier in his toothless mouth, and drove him down to Child Services where she put him up for adoption. He’s a beautiful baby, she said. I’m just too old and tired to take care of him anymore. She then visited a lawyer and filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.
